Strange scary thoughts

 

In a couple of hours, it will be April 10 and I feel very weird about it. I will be entering my 20s and my feelings are confused. I don’t know anyone who went through this thoughts but I don’t know if to be excited or sad that I am leaving one decade behind.

It hit me last night that even though I will be more open to opportunities I will entering an unexplored part of life. It hit me that what I don’t want to let go is the experiences that are tied to being a “teen” just as I did not want to let go the experiences and feelings of being a “kid”. For me, my experiences, memories, feelings, and thoughts all form part of me and losing them and turning into something else makes me feel like I am “losing” part of me. I know it is part of growing up but as I get older I know that I will forget some things that I hold dear now… it seems strange because I am living through it but it also feels scary because I don’t want to go through this “metamorphosis”.

I don’t know how powerful the mind is but for the last month, I had a cold, a bizarre stomach flu, a sore throat, and an enlarged spleen. What does this say about me? It’s like my body wants to fight my mind and the two things don’t match. It’s like my body is telling me something about accepting what will happen but my mind wants to stay stuck in time.

Time for me is very scary because I am very conscious about it. I say it is a curse – being conscious about time.

I want to hold on to the things that I feel define my time on this planet. All of this seems strange and scary but it all came to me last night and I couldn’t sleep for a long time.

Such strange scary thoughts…

I will see how tomorrow goes.

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Language

I feel that language is such a complex yet utterly beautiful thing. I have told some people that if I could have one superpower it would be the ability to know all the languages and dialects. I would love to speak, read, and write in languages that I know and in those that I don’t. I find it interesting how different sounds mean certain things in one but may not mean anything in another. I spend time thinking about how languages came to form, and I try to learn as much as I can. I wonder how many people think of these things.

Throughout my years I have learned Spanish, English, French, Italian, Chinese (Mandarin), and American Sign Language. Sadly, the only ones I have fully learned are Spanish and English. I know enough Italian to survive a month in Italy and being lost in Italy. With French, I essentially forgot everything I learned. I was always too shy to talk in French and too shy to show any of my writing. The Mandarin I learned was very basic. And I’m currently trying to learn American Sign Language whenever I can.

Some time ago I had a realization.

I can’t remember what I was doing when this realization came to me. One day it hit me that even though I am fluent and native in Spanish and English, I would much rather write in English. I wondered why and I began thinking. I realized that this depends on my setting and to whom I am talking.

Still, I wondered why English comes easiest to me for some things. Part of it is because growing up I went to bilingual schools. I was born and raised in a Spanish-speaking country and the bilingual schools I went to were focused on teaching English. I was brought up with the idea to practice English whenever I could, and for the longest time, I felt that my English was better than anyone else’s in my grade.

Pretty arrogant, right?

It embarrasses me to think that I used to be that way when I was in elementary. In addition to this, as the perfectionist that I can be at times, I would only want to listen or read things in English because I wanted to be the very best. I wanted to be different from everyone else. I didn’t even start paying attention to the Spanish language until later when I moved to a different school.

For the longest time, I thought that this was my reason for preferring English over Spanish. Perhaps it is, or perhaps it is not.

It wasn’t until I left my home country that I realized that English wasn’t “easier”, it was just that Spanish held more importance to me. I have yet to find the correct words to describe this rationale but Spanish, for me, holds a lot of importance.

For me, the Spanish language represents the things I hold dear. The Spanish language encompasses things such as my feelings, my memories, my experiences, my people, my stories, and my history.

This doesn’t mean that English isn’t important to me because it really is important. Perhaps this is something that has occurred to me as I have grown older, but I feel that I appreciate the Spanish language more now than I did when I was younger.

I want to learn more about these two languages and discover what they reveal about me. Maybe I will find the answers someday.