Strange scary thoughts

 

In a couple of hours, it will be April 10 and I feel very weird about it. I will be entering my 20s and my feelings are confused. I don’t know anyone who went through this thoughts but I don’t know if to be excited or sad that I am leaving one decade behind.

It hit me last night that even though I will be more open to opportunities I will entering an unexplored part of life. It hit me that what I don’t want to let go is the experiences that are tied to being a “teen” just as I did not want to let go the experiences and feelings of being a “kid”. For me, my experiences, memories, feelings, and thoughts all form part of me and losing them and turning into something else makes me feel like I am “losing” part of me. I know it is part of growing up but as I get older I know that I will forget some things that I hold dear now… it seems strange because I am living through it but it also feels scary because I don’t want to go through this “metamorphosis”.

I don’t know how powerful the mind is but for the last month, I had a cold, a bizarre stomach flu, a sore throat, and an enlarged spleen. What does this say about me? It’s like my body wants to fight my mind and the two things don’t match. It’s like my body is telling me something about accepting what will happen but my mind wants to stay stuck in time.

Time for me is very scary because I am very conscious about it. I say it is a curse – being conscious about time.

I want to hold on to the things that I feel define my time on this planet. All of this seems strange and scary but it all came to me last night and I couldn’t sleep for a long time.

Such strange scary thoughts…

I will see how tomorrow goes.

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